Have you ever had the experience where you felt like you’re stuck with your life not changing, yet your stress, anxiety, or peace of mind changed suddenly? That’s precisely what occurred to one of my clients.
She had been monitoring her cortisol (the stress hormone) for months. Initially, they were high due to a stressful job, parenting in a competitive social environment, and strained relationships. But she came in one day and told me she had fallen dramatically. She was less stressed, slept better, and her anxiety all but vanished.
The cool thing? Nothing externally had changed.
Same job. Same marriage. Same duties.
But the inner world of hers was totally different. She was relaxed in her body, peaceful in her mind, and at peace in her thoughts.
So what happened?
The Shift From “Outside In” to “Inside Out”
We all think our feelings are based on what’s going on around us. If life is stressful, we think it’s because of work, family, or other things out there. We figure that if everything out there gets taken care of, we’ll finally be able to feel relaxed in here.
But suppose that’s not how it works?
Suppose your inside doesn’t necessarily reflect your outside circumstances?
Let’s consider two important concepts that help us understand this:
Table of Contents
1. The Brain Foretells Your Emotions
Neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett says that emotions aren’t just responses they’re predictions.
Your brain doesn’t merely react to what’s going on; it’s predicting what’s likely to happen next, based on the past.
If something previously stressed you out, your brain anticipates it will again stress you out even if it no longer poses an actual threat. This expectation generates a feedback loop. You become anxious, your body responds, and your mind reinforces the same story.
That’s what happened with my client. She believed her stressful lifestyle was the reason for her exhaustion. Her body stayed on high alert, constantly preparing for problems. This belief triggered more stress hormones and kept her trapped in a cycle of anxiety.
2. When a “Problem” Isn’t Actually a Problem
Sometimes, the very act of believing something is a problem makes it one.
Once we define something as bad, our mind looks for evidence to confirm it and disregards anything that disproves it. Our nervous system gets in on the act, responding as if the issue were real.
For instance, let’s say you believe one of your co-workers doesn’t like you. Next time he or she walks by without a greeting, your mind instantly interprets it as proof. Your body becomes tight, your mind spirals, and before long, the relationship really does feel awkward.
Humans are good problem solvers by nature, but sometimes that talent works against us. Psychologist Paul Watzlawick labeled this the “more-of-the-same” trap: the more we try to solve something, the more we make it stick.
Consider this:
- When we feel a person is distant, we call more frequently which can actually push them away.
- When we overthink a decision, the more we think, the more stressed and uncertain we become.
This is what my client did. She attempted to “think her way” into peace, but the more she thought, the more her nervous system remained in stress mode.
The Path to Inner Calm
Here’s what she eventually learned:
- Her stress wasn’t the result of life but rather the way she engaged with it.
- She ceased to define situations as problems requiring solution.
- She ceased attempting to “fix” herself by way of overanalysis.
- She began to listen to her body and become aware of sensations and feelings without criticizing them.
- She let herself feel and work through emotions instead of resisting them.
Gradually, her nervous system rebounded. Her mind relaxed. Her energy began to change. By not altering her situation, she altered her experience of it.
The Takeaway
You don’t need to alter your job, relationship, or surroundings in order to become more peaceful.
Transformation starts with the way you see and connect with your world.
When you let go of trying to manipulate all the outer details and begin to notice your internal patterns, everything shifts even though nothing outside of you does.
