Jim and Yolanda appeared drained. With 13 years of marriage and four children, their relationship had lost its spark. Each one felt trapped and estranged. Jim actually said, “I’m just tolerating this marriage.” He posed a powerful question: “Is it possible to still crave your spouse after all these years?”
That is a question couples secretly ponder.
Way back in 2014, I was a young father and couples therapist myself, only three years into my marriage. One evening, after reading Esther Perel’s Mating in Captivity, a psychotherapist, I read a sentence that transformed me:
- “Most adults will have two or three committed relationships or marriages. Some will have them with the same person.”
At first, it didn’t compute. How is it possible to be married to the same individual more than once? But years down the line, after experiencing personal transformations, parenting struggles, and a marriage crisis, I finally got it: our first marriage was over.
The individuals we were when we uttered “I do” no longer existed. The question wasn’t whether I’d ever remarry, it was whether I’d remarry my wife, Galit.
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Marriage Isn’t Immovable, Individuals Evolve
With time, everything around us changes our body, objectives, aspirations, and even our emotional requirements. All the cells in our body are replaced over a period of time. So why do we anticipate our marriages remaining constant forever?
The fact is, both individuals change. The “contract” of the relationship that was once functional can begin to feel stale, restrictive, or uninspired. Some couples opt to begin anew with another person. Others quietly surrender and settle into habit.
But there is another, more compelling option remarry your spouse.
What It Means to “Remarry” the Same Person
Remarrying your spouse is about starting anew in your relationship without ever leaving it. It’s about finding each other all over again and creating a new type of love from the people you’ve both become.
This is how you get to relish the deep connection, shared history, and emotional security of an old relationship along with the passion and interest of new love.
As therapist Dr. David Schnarch has said, marriage is a “people-growing mechanism.” It forces us to grow, stretch, and become our best selves.
Why Most Couples Don’t Do This
Most of us never had this ideal demonstrated. Our parents’ marriages lingered for decades in an unchanged state of being either quietly estranged or emotionally stuck. Films portray just two ends: “happily ever after” or dysfunctional splits. No one instructs us in rejuvenating stale love.
That’s why Galit and I created what we refer to as “The Remarriage Model” a system for couples who desire to renew their connection rather than destroy it. It was years of experimentation, therapy, and truthful discussion before we came to understand what actually works.
For more than 15 years, we have employed this model to remake our marriage several times and now impart it in workshops and counseling sessions.
The 4 Phases of Remarrying Your Spouse
1. Play
Playfulness restores curiosity, laughter, and lightness. It allows you to let go of control, play freely, and remain emotionally present. Play makes the relationship dynamic and alive.
2. Own Your Shadows
There are shadows in every relationship jealousy, pride, fear, neediness. When we own these pieces rather than blaming our partner, we become stronger and wiser. What we resist usually holds the key to greater love and intimacy.
3. Let It Land
Listen with your heart, not your ears. Rather than defending back or fixing it, let your partner’s words penetrate. Deep listening indicates that growth is more important than ego and it turns communication into an act of love.
4. Say the Thing
Honesty is the basis of intimacy. Couples most often shun the truth to maintain peace, but silence begets resentment. Speak what’s real “I miss you,” “I’m hurt,” “I want you.” Speaking truth keeps connection alive.
These four practices play, ownership, deep listening, and honesty are the backbone of a remarried relationship. It’s an ongoing process of rediscovery and growth.
The Freedom of Remarrying the One You Have
When couples learn to remarriage each other, they become more open, curious, and compassionate. They have relational freedom the ability to be fully themselves, with all their flaws and imperfections, and still feel deeply loved.
We don’t need a new partner. What we need is a new way of relating to the one we already have.
Because when you remarry each other, you fall in love again, freely and fully.
