Raising kids with narcissistic parents has a lasting impact on children’s emotional lives, often extending far beyond childhood. Any child should be loved, validated, and able to become the person they are meant to be. But when a parent is self-centered, controlling, or emotionally immature, these core needs get pushed aside. Children are relegated to survival roles that define them late into adulthood instead.
A 2020 research in The Encyclopedia of Child and Adolescent Development found that children brought up in unstable, emotionally insecure homes tend to adopt coping roles to survive the never-ending stress. Unfortunately, these roles although protective during childhood can turn into burdensome emotional luggage in adulthood.
Narcissistic parents typically center on image and their own admiration needs instead of their child’s welfare. The outcome? Children learn to struggle with self-doubt, anxiety, and fear of abandonment. What follows are the three most prevalent roles kids of narcissists tend to hold throughout their lives.
Table of Contents
1. The Golden Child
The “golden child” is the prize of the parent the one who embodies all the things the narcissistic parent wishes for the world to know: achievement, charm, or brains. On the surface, this child appears to be the “favorite,” commended for accomplishments and held up as the family star.
But it has a secret price. The affection they gain is conditional. To maintain their parent’s favor, they have to continually perform, placate, and never challenge authority. Should they make decisions their parent disapproves of such as changing their line of work or mate they can easily lose favor and fall into the position of scapegoat.
Though golden children often appear confident, many struggle with perfectionism, anxiety, and impostor syndrome. Their self-worth is tied so tightly to external validation that they lose sight of who they really are. Instead of living authentically, they live for approval.
2. The Scapegoat
The “scapegoat” is the emotional punching bag of the family. Everything that goes awry small or large somehow becomes their responsibility. Parents attribute their own insecurities and frustrations to this child and describe them as the “problem” or “disappointment.”
Ironically, the most emotionally perceptive are usually the scapegoats. They recognize the dysfunction and resist being manipulated, which threatens the dysfunctional system. Because of that, they’re blamed, criticized, and misunderstood even by brothers and sisters who unwittingly take the parent’s side.
Studies indicate that scapegoated children mature as though they have been rejected regardless of their attempts to avoid it. One child of a 2018 study of a narcissistic mother, for example, said, “I did well at school, but because nothing was ever good enough, I gave up.” This pervasive invalidation tends to result in anger, self-doubt, and emotional burnout later in life.
3. The Lost Child
The “lost child” is the unnoticed one. They aren’t rewarded like the golden child or blamed like the scapegoat they’re just forgotten. This child emerges emotionally neglected, learning that their needs and emotions don’t count.
They tend to retreat into their own little world, becoming reserved, excessively independent, or numb. Lost children as adults can struggle with self-esteem, decision-making, and intimacy. They try to avoid conflict, remain on the sidelines, and feel invisible in relationships.
Since they were deprived of validation, they tend to feel they are not worthy of love. Below their quiet exterior is a deep reservoir of loneliness and desire for connection.
Breaking Free from These Roles
Though these positions can cause long-term emotional scars, it is possible to heal. Self-reflection, therapy, and creating a safe, supportive environment can assist children of narcissists in finding their true selves. Learning that they are not defined by performance, blame, or invisibility, they can now move into a better, truer version of themselves.
Key Takeaway:
Children of narcissistic parents tend to become the golden child, the scapegoat, or the lost child. Each one of these is a survival mechanism but with awareness and recovery, those roles do not have to be the way they live the rest of their lives.